May 8, 2014

No Flowers, Pinwheels or a Wind Chime


La Madre Triste 

When I started this blog back in 2007 it was my intention to share what was on my mind freely, but that didn't really pan out, so I've mainly blogged about my art. As I grow and evolve I've begun to share more openly about myself. So today, I bring you a heavy post, because I'm having a heavy-hearted week and the art that I create are just expressions of how I feel inside, so it's ok to set these words free. 



Camila's footprints and a little lock of hair
On May 8th, 2006 our baby girl Camila Amalia was born still when I was 40 weeks pregnant with her. Life as I knew it was turned completely upside down. My family and I have never been quite the same after it happened. I will admit that with time, (and the support of my husband and family) I have personally learned to find a place in my heart where I can keep the sorrow calm. Still, today marks 8 years since she passed away and I can't help but wonder what she would've been like if her life hadn't been reduced to a little box of mementos.


A painting of Camila by Abdias
When we lost Camilita, it was less than a week before Mother's Day. I remember Mother's Day coming, just 2 measly days after we had Camila's funeral...talk about a surreal memory. To this day I struggle with that holiday more than I care to admit, Thankfully my boys give me lots of love and remind me that I have them in my life, they make everything ok.


Camila's headstone in Greenwood
So what makes this 8th year harder than others before? Well, on May 8th, we'd always go visit Camila's headstone in Greenwood Cemetery in Orlando. We'd clean up the weeds, place pretty flowers, a colorful pinwheel and a new wind chime. We'd see how much the tree planted by her headstone has grown and had a moment of silence when curious little Butterflies seemed to flutter our sadness away. But this year, we moved away to Texas and I am farther than I have ever been from Orlando on a May 8th since 2006.
The illustration I drew for Camila's headstone

This year, I can't bring new flowers, a pinwheel or put a new wind chime to offer its melody to the breeze. I didn't think it would be this difficult, but it is. I know that when this week passes, as in all the years before, the sadness will once again subside and I will be able to store away my heartache and continue to learn how to make it better, learn how to turn her memory into something that no longer makes me cry.



My still unfinished tattoo of Camila
I'll stop by Greenwood to visit with her headstone some day. It will be sweet to see how much the tree has grown and I'll once again get to adorn her gravestone with flowers, pinwheel and a shiny new wind chime. Until then, I'll continue to keep my eyes open to see all the Butterflies that come to visit as I find a way to honor Camila's precious time on Earth. 

I'm thankful for my family, for all the love they have given me, for always helping me understand that everything is going to be ok and for making me laugh and smile every single day.

Our little family when the boys were little
I leave you with a song titled "Sorrow" by my husband Abdias Ernesto that perfectly explains how I feel. 


To all the Mothers who have lost a child, I send you a loving and warm (((hug))). 








4 comments:

Lindsay - Pen and Paint said...

Carolina,
My heart aches for you. If I could drive down there right now I would. I hope you will continue to have peace through your loss.
Lots of love <3

Carolina The Doodler said...

Thank you so much Lindsay <3 (((Big Hug))) my friend.

DennaBeena said...

She has pinwheels and flowers and much love from my heart from your heart. <3

Carolina The Doodler said...

Thank you Denna! I love you so much!!!!